Just Tell Me “No”
- jondab
- May 9
- 3 min read
When I ask someone to do me a favor, bring a dish to a dinner, come to a party, or work with me on a project, I would love to hear the response, “I’d love to!”
But I certainly understand that our lives are busy and that we have to consider our priorities.
What I don’t want as a response is:
· Crickets – no response at all to a text or email
· What a great opportunity/idea/… - I’ll check my calendar and get back to you with no end date for that response
· I’ll think about it, or I’ll pray on it
Most of my life I have been active in different organizations. When my boys were young, I was an active volunteer at their school, in their scout group, or in the children’s/youth area of the church. I often would start off as a volunteer and then end up being the leader of a scout den or being responsible for Sunday School or Vacation Bible School.
As a leader I often needed help. I would approach people and request help for a specific task. Would they bring food? Would they help with a field trip? Could they substitute on a certain day?
I loved to get a “yes” and I understood a “no”, but I hated to get a response or no response that left me hanging. I didn’t feel I could ask someone else to do the job in case they eventually did say “yes”. Time would pass and it would cause me stress. I had to go back to them and ask again and maybe even a third time all the while the clock was ticking away. Maybe these people were hoping if they just waited, I’d find someone else. Maybe they felt like they should volunteer but just didn’t want to at this time. Fine. So please just tell me “No, not at this time,” so I could move on to asking someone else.
I like to entertain. In the past I have given two rather large parties a year. I put out a save the date email and followed it with a mailed invitation. On the mailed invitation I would include a date that I would like a response. Always there would be those few people who either didn’t respond at all or gave me a “maybe”. This would leave me with the job of having to follow up with them or just guessing how many I was going to have to serve and have seating for. Please folks, if you don’t want or can’t come, just say “no”.
And then there are those people who will say, “yes” to your request but their heart is not really in it. They really didn’t want to do it. So those people end up not doing the task very well or have a change of heart at the last minute. It would be much better for all of us if they had just said, “no”.
As I have gotten older, I have learned a few things when asking for something. If asking via text or voice message, I will close the request with, “If I haven’t heard back from you by…., I am going to assume this will not work for you at this time.” If I get a response that is not a yes or no response, I’ll be clear that if I haven’t heard back from them by …., I am assuming that they can’t manage it at this time. As far as my parties go, I pretty much know the people I invite and just give it my best guess and move on.
And the picture at the top is of a family reunion where everyone who could attend said, “yes” when asked even did more. Wouldn’t it be nice if that were the norm?
Still, it would be nice if people would just be comfortable saying “no” if they don’t want to do what they have been asked to do. It would make life easier for all of us involved.
If you are ready to work on any organizational project that will allow you to mark something off your list and want some tips, encouragement, or accountability for that project, join Diane Quintana and me in our Clear Space For You virtual clutter support group. The group will offer ideas, support, and gentle accountability for working on developing plans or projects.
Jonda S. Beattie, Professional Organizer owner of Time Space Organization, and co-owner of Release, Repurpose, Reorganize. She is based in the Metro-Atlanta area. As presenter, award-winning author, as well as a retired special education teacher she uses her listening skills, problem solving skills, knowledge of different learning techniques, ADHD specialty, and paper management skills to help clients.
I'm with you that being left hanging is the worst. I try to be clear about what I'm willing to do, and I just reminded someone (who did apparently remember) that I have only signed up for a particular volunteer job through the end of this year.
Saying "no" and being clear about your boundaries isn't intuitive. It's a learned skill that not everyone has.
I understand your frustration. When in a leadership or asking position, it can be annoying to get uncommital or wishy-washy responses. But honestly, that's part of leadership. Not everyone will respond as you want. They may not have learned the skills or have the same sense of timing you have (even with RSVP dates front and center.)
As someone who has hosted hundreds of events and lead many groups, I've been there. In all situations, I will begin by assuming the best- people will respond by the set date or to be honest about what they can or can't do. If needed,…
I have occasionally put off making a decision about things I didn't want to do, but I've realized that it's not just inconsiderate. It also creates the stress of an unmade decision. Once I've made my decision, I feel good - especially if I've said No. It helps to be honest with yourself about why you're undecided. If it's something you truly want to do, you'll make it work, so there's probably some other factor that's making you procrastinate. If you're afraid of hurting someone, that may happen either way, so get it over with.
I once heard it said that if you didn't want to say yes, just say, "I suppose I can do it if you want someone who will do a lousy job." Unfortunately, some people will take you up on that offer, so it truly is better to just say no.
I will say that sometimes I need the space to think and pray about a decision. However, I always ask by when they need a firm answer, and try to loop back by that date. I don't want them to have to reach back to me, because the burden is on them.
Saying "no" is honestly what we should be doing most of the time. A few, solid commitments into…
I'm in the process of chasing people to volunteer for things I'm involved with and completely agree "no" is an answer. However, volunteer organizations need volunteers. I think more people can step up and give of themselves. If more people gave a little bit of time, more would get done, and everyone would benefit.